LIFE CAN BE SO FRIKKIN' BLAH... ugh!

Mel Watkins told me yesterday that I was slackin with my blog!!! I told her that I haven't been happy lately... I can't blog if I'm not happy!!!... She told me that's when I'm supposed to write... UGH!!! BUT... I want people to laugh when they read my blog... NOT FEEL SORRY FOR ME... I hate pity parties... I feel more comfortable just dealing with it on my own... I don't trust a lot of people! Who knows what they would do or say if they knew what i was REALLY going through?!... BUT HERE I AM... BLOGGING... because it has become a part of my life... and I feel so good afterwards... so here it is... BLOG #17...

"DIARY OF A..."

DUDE!!!... Lately... I have been one bitter, unhappy MUG! (lol... remember that word?) It's been bad... I've been snapping on people for no reason!... Little stuff that people around me have been doing has been pissing me off!!!... I mean to the point that I just want to tell them about themselves!!!! SO NOT COOL... It's like I'm turning into my old self!!!... "THE OLD STIX" The old Stix didn't care one bit about your (in general) feelings or what you were going through... The old Stix would tell you about yourself in the rudest, most blunt way... and smile like she gave you the biggest compliment... The old Stix wasn't fake... if she didn't like you... YOU KNEW IT! I feel like I'm going back there! I just want to tell people about themselves... I just want to cut people out of my life and start over! I'M SO FRIKKIN' BITTER! This is not who I am.. God has delivered me!... Why am I going back?!... Why am I giving in?!... Where is my freakin' strength?!

I feel like I need to apologize to some people!!! If I've hurt any one's feelings or just had the worst attitude with you... PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! I really didn't mean it... I have to learn how to deal with my frustration and my anger... You shouldn't have to suffer because I'm going through!!!!

and the list goes on...

In the last few days, I've been receiving random phone calls from my family telling me that I'm making bad decisions... and I need to come home!... My bills are literally PILING UP... My job sucks... I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY MUSIC... My dad and I can't seem to talk without arguing!... I'VE HAD A HEADACHE THAT JUST WON'T GO AWAY!!!... and the list goes on... and on... AND FREAKIN' ON!!!! "IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE LIKE?!... HOW THE HECK DID I GET HERE?!" These last few days have been hard... I've been working non stop and it is really doing a number on my body! It's not fun running around all day for hours with no break waiting on people! I really think it's time for me to transition out of there... "BUT TO WHERE, GOD?!" Where do You want me to go?... What should I be doing right now?! This is where my frustration lies... Do I go home?... Do I stay? JESUS, LORD! I CAN'T TAKE IT!... I'm literally fighting back tears right now... I don't like feeling like this!!! So SAINTS, KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS!!!! It's much deeper than this... but because I'M SO FREAKIN' SECRETIVE... AND I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK... I can't completely put it out there like I want!!! So just stand in agreement with me... That I will come out of this... That God is going to speak... and I won't be stuck... I KNOW THAT NONE OF THIS IS OF GOD... God doesn't operate in confusion... It's just not HIM... God doesn't want me to be angry.. IT IS JUST NOT WHO HE IS!!!

Maybe I'm just experiencing spiritual warfare... LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO HANDLE IT! My mentor keeps telling me to stay focused... She doesn't really know what I'm going through... but maybe the enemy is trying to distract me... and keep me from focusing on what God wants to do for me spiritually before I take off for Jamaica!... WHO KNOWS... I'm kind of tired of trying to figure it out!!!!!...

This blog is so freakin' depressing, MAN!.. This is so not me... I gotta come out of this... and FAST!

IN OTHER NEWS...

My photo shoot was yesterday!... I'll probably talk about it later today!!! yea... I will!!!! I need to get myself together before work!!!!

Until next time,

PCE!