Little Girl Dreams

"Dreams are often altered in reality."-- a good friend of mine in the Navy, Jymyaka

I was talking to one of my wise friends the other day, Stephanie. I say wise because she is near 50... lol, and she helped me accept an extremely hard truth.

She asked me what my dream was for my wedding. Oh and I went IN!! I told her all of my dreams, down to the age I wanted to be, the theme of the wedding, the style of the reception... She heard it ALL and I didn't miss a detail! Lol Of the dreams i mentioned, only one of them came true so far and
that is: I will be married at 25. That's something I always knew though, believe it or not. Ever had that feeling in your gut that something was gonna happen the way you dreamed it would?? Well that's how i felt about that one. I KNEW I would be married at 25. Dream fulfilled. Moving on...

Everyone who knows me knows that I am very passionate about weddings. I love to attend them. I love planning them in my head. I love everything about them. My dream was to have a big wedding... Mordern, romantic theme... My reception needed to be a family style setting and the Dj and dance floor had to be right!!!! That was my dream. My reality is: I don't like a lot of attention on me... I don't want people staring at me as I walk down the aisle, or when I'm staring my hubby in the eyes while expressing our love for one another, and God-forbid people watching us as we exchange our first kiss. My reality is: I am way too private for a big ceremony... And being completely vulnerable in front of a crowd is NOT HAPPENING. So no wedding ceremony for us! My fiancé and I have decided to go to the courthouse and make it as quick as possible. Now the reception is another story!! I was just given GREAT news about a venue that I want. WORK IT OUT JESUS!! Details coming soon...

Lastly, I dreamed that on my wedding night I would give my husband the best gift that I could possibly give him-- my virginity. I always LOVED God's plan for sex and marriage.... Even as a little girl... So I've waited. Waited for the night where I trust my husband completely with my body and we share in a night of expressing our love for each other in a way that we never have before. Part of that dream, for me, meant that he would not wear a condom. Well, that dream has been altered as well! Boo. Due to fear, I put off making an appt with a gynecologist until last Thursday. Birth control started soon after. Because we're not sure how my body will respond to it and sex is happening SOON, we've decided to use protection."No, no, noooooooooooo!!!!!!!" Guys, of all the dreams I've had for the wedding process, I took THIS ONE the hardest. This is where I thank God for older friends. Lol When I shared this part with her she hit me hard with truth!! In her lovingly, blunt way, she told me that I have a choice to make: "Either you hold on to your lil girl dreams and risk getting pregnant, or you do what it takes to enjoy life with your husband. " I laughed so hard at " lil girl dreams" but she was so right!! It's the main reason for this blog!! I'm allowing MY WILL for myself to get in the way of such a joyous time in my life. It's only temporary. My lil girl dreams were altered... So what!! God's plan is so much better than what any little girl could think of. I've accepted that now.

I will forever remember those words when I find myself getting upset because life didn't happen the way I thought it would.

Let go of that little girl dream and accept what God has in store for you!! God has been too good not to..

Whew, chile!!! That shonuff blessed me!! Lol

Ok, I'm done!!

Until next time....

God moments.

Last Tuesday, I went to Schlotzsky's Deli for their awesome $2.99 pizza special and had an encounter with four of the sweetest male preteens. As I drove around the building, they simply smiled and waved. First of all, I fell in love with them immediately because that is something I would do! Lol I LOVE waving at strangers! Second of all, how many little boys do you know are that kind?? Okay, maybe I gave them too much credit. They could have been playing around and saying horrible things about people as they drove around. Lol They seemed different. Kind. *shrugs*

Anyway, "Cute!" is what I thought as I rolled my window down to place my order. After completing my order, paying, getting my food, blah, blah, blah.... I went back around the building wondering what the boys were going to do this time. My window was down, so as they smiled and waved, I heard them say, " GOD BLESS YOOOUUUUUUU!!" I smiled, waved, and sent the same blessings their way! Another screamed, "I think I've seen you before." Another screamed, " BEAUTIFUL!" Sweet. Maybe those boys go to my church.... *shrugs*

As I drove away I was tempted to turn back around and eat my dinner with them. Because that is not me AT ALL, I took my little happy tail back home.

What's crazy is that I felt AWFUL as I ate my food at home. I really felt like I was supposed to eat with them. WHAT IF that was an opportunity to speak life into them?! WHAT IF I was suppose to encourage them to continue to follow God with that joy I saw on them?! WHAT IF that was an opportunity for ME to learn from THEM?! I prayed for those boys and repented for not listening to God! "What ifs" are so freakin' lame and I don't want to walk in that... EVER again!

So yeah... God moments. That's what I've decided to call them. How often do we pass those by? There is always an opportunity to preach the gospel, to be a light, to show love. Take advantage of those moments. This world needs to see more of God in others!!!

Until next time,

-Jess-

CHRISTmas: Remember when...

I can't help but reminisce on how the Christmas season used to feel... in 2011, people are just way too caught up in their emotions. Instead of reflecting on Jesus' birth, everyone is reflecting on the death of loved ones and their lack of money! What the heck??...

Remember when people used to look forward to the first day of December!! That's the day that Christmas music officially started... the day Christmas movies started playing! The OFFICIAL COUNTDOWN TO FREAKIN' CHRISTMAS!!

Remember when being with family and enjoying traditions were all that really mattered!! I do... Every year I look forward to baking cookies for Santa, picking out matching outfits with my immediate family... and putting up the Christmas tree!! I have ALWAYS been responsible for placing the tree topper! lol Yep.. make the tall, skinny girl do it!

I'm sorry guys, but I am so sad for those people who can't find joy this Christmas season. I'm sad that life has distracted us from the REAL reason for Christmas!! It's crazy, man!!

Remember when Jesus was the reason for the season?? lol So lame, but 4real... remember when people focused on THAT TRUTH??

I remember ALLAHDAT!!

I WANT CHRISTMAS BACK... lol you know... the Christmas in the '90's! aaahahahaha! That just made me laugh out loud for real! Christmas in the 90's?? What the heck??

Anywhooo... I don't want much for Christmas!! If you can make my fiance' magically appear that would be awesome.. but if not.. how about finding joy this holiday season!! Enjoy the family that you have!! Those who have already passed away would want you to enjoy this season! If you don't have the money to buy gifts, simply share that! I'm sure your family and friends know your heart!! Go participate in an outreach project! I promise you will forget your problems rather quickly!

Anywhoo... I'm done!

♥ Stix

I just love LOVE!

Heeeeeeey.... (now that, THAT is out of the way...)

My company's "Holiday Party" was last Saturday and it was...umm... okay! They had a live band that played songs that I didn't know. The food was not the best either. The only thing that kept me from leaving were the games! We gambled with fake money in hopes to win more raffle tickets to place in the prize bowls... Speaking of that... the prizes weren't that amazing this year either. Last year the prizes included paying light bills and student loans, they were giving away airline tickets, and even had one of those money-blower booth thingys! This year the best thing was the iPad2.

I met this man though.

He was standing behind me in the drink line. I could tell he was the type that liked making small talk with random people. I can't remember how he started the conversation. I do remember asking him if he worked for the company. He told me that he didn't, but his wife was "the voice of the company." I thought he was saying that she worked in the call center. He looked around the room to point her out to me, but she was nowhere to be found. He said, "I don't know where she is, but she's wearing all black and she's BEAUTIFUL!" Yep... he said beautiful just like that... with all the excitement in the world. THAT completely melted my heart. He said they have been married for like 15 years.<-- (don't quote me on that part!) He went on to share how madly in love he STILL IS and how she makes him a better man! I LOVED IT!! He was a very happy type of guy. It's hard to explain his personality... He had a lot of joy... lol I'll put it that way! As he continued to talk, I thought he reminded me of this lady named Minnie.

I screamed... "MINNIE! Your wife is Minnie isn't she?" lol I WAS RIGHT! She is just as happy as he is! They are like the same, but different. She is so sweet and joyful. I absolutely love her. And like he said, she is "the voice of MedSolutions." She's the receptionist. She and I were once on the same team when we worked in a different department. Can you believe that?? I knew who his wife was based on his personality... his heart... his sweet spirit! He is who God made for her!! That's how it's supposed to be! Wow! I love it!

Anywhoo... I can't get over that conversation. I can't get over how madly in love they are and how much they complement each other! It is amazing!

Love is amazing! True love is amazing!!

:)

Anywhoo... Just thought I'd share what I've been thinking about for the last three days! lol

Until next time,
♥ Stix

He's Gone...

... and I have no earthly idea what to do with myself. I try to tell myself that this is no different from him being in Arkansas. Umm... WRONG! When Darius was in Arkansas, we talked during all three of my breaks and as soon as I got off from work. Now... well... I think to call him during all three breaks and as soon as I get off from work. Ugh. -__- This is hard.

We talked via email when he was in Germany at the beginning of the week. He also sent me the sweetest message on my Facebook wall. I'm assuming that he is in Afghanistan now because I haven't talked to him AT ALL! I NEED to talk to him. I NEED to know that he made it safely.

I made the mistake of googling Kandahar, Afghanistan today... Of course everything I found was about bomb explosions on U. S. bases! There was one yesterday and one person was killed. *faints* smh.. I never should have done that. I'm really freaking out now. LESSON LEARNED! Darius would be pissed if he knew that I did that.

::sigh:: UGH! I have to stop worrying. I mean, I prayed about it... and I trust that God is protecting him... or do I?? I'm working on that part!

Anywho, those who read this blog, pleast take a minute and send up a prayer for him! Thaaaankkkss!!

Signing off,

♥ Stix

Bridal Wars.

Soooo... I watched Bridal Wars for the first time EVER last night! While that was probably one of the best movies I've seen in a while, it brought up the worst feeling in the world. I was reminded of something that I've been trying not to think about yet alone voice! Ugh. Lets just say, when the movie ended, I cried like a freakin baby.

Remember how I blogged about my wedding plans not going like I thought they would? The only thing that makes sense is the LOVE we have for each other. Lol But, lucky for you, that is NOT what this blog is about.

When I thought about this period in my life, I imagined everything and EVERYONE coming together perfectly. I'm back at the drawing board with my plans and I have ONE friend, maybe two, in Nashville that I feel comfortable sharing it with. Why? This is not how I thought it would be. I thought there would be weekend slumber parties at my place with plenty of food and my bridal magazine collection. I pictured friends who were genuinely happy for me and wouldn't mind my random outburst of inspiration boards, bouquet arrangements, and theme ideas. Why at the happiest time in my life do I feel so darn lonely? Why do I feel like no one cares? Ok, two care. Why do I suddenly feel guilty when I bring up my wedding? And remember I'm speaking of my friends in Nashville, you know, the family I chose for myself? Smh. It shouldn't be this way, should it? I shouldn't feel like I can't talk about my wedding in fear that one of my single friends would feel depressed or like it will never happen for her. I shouldn't be questioning if a friend's "happiness" is genuine. Smh.

At one point, I blamed myself. "Maybe I'm being selfish. Consider the feelings of your friends and don't talk about your wedding." Well, I've tried that. And it feels wrong. I SHOULD be able to talk about my wedding without fear of my friend's feelings. I mean how much sense does that even make? It's MY WEDDING, OUR WEDDING *in case my babe reads this*! lol It should be about me... *us*. Right? Anyway, I thought I was over it. Clearly I'm not. I HAVE made the decision to be happy, regardless though. And those who can't find it in their heart to care about this new journey Darius and I are embarking upon can leave my life. You clearly weren't a friend anyway!

With that being said, that movie was the bomb! Lol Don't allow my dramatic blog to keep you away from it! I encourage you to check it out, if you haven't already. I recognize that I'M SO LATE!! lol It will definitely make you want to pick up the phone, call your best friend, and tell them how much you love them! OMG, what do you know, my BESTEST in the whole wide world just called. I told her that I was blogging and she told me to say hi to you guys! Lol Gotta love her!

Anyway, I'm done.

Until next time,

♥ Stix

Dr. Maya Angelou

Yesterday evening is one I'll never forget. I was able to sit in on a lecture by Dr. Maya Angelou. I NEVER imagined that I would EVER have the opportunity to be in the same room with her… Let me just tell you.. I've admired this lady since I was a little girl. I recited her poems in Black History Programs and I've done tons of book reports on some of her books. I admired her story. I admired her strength. I admired her courage. How could a little girl who didn't speak for six years be smart enough to read and relate to Shakespeare and Edgar Allen Poe? EAP "eep" was what she called him in her head. How could a little girl who thought her voice could kill grow up to be an amazing speaker and poet? I was inspired by her intelligence. It was the first "smart" person I knew... In my head.

I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be a poet and speak to the world in whatever language I chose that day! Lol So I wrote. Every day I wrote a poem. I have journals full of poetry at home that I've shared with very few people. Then one day I stopped writing. I mean, I pick up my journal every now and then, but I don’t write nearly as often as I did. But moving on…

“When it looked like the sun wouldn’t shine, God put a rainbow in the sky?”

She sang those lyrics when she came out. She reminded us that we all have had rainbow experiences. And because God put those rainbows in our lives, it’s time for us to be someone’s rainbow. She encouraged us to live life with purpose. She also showed us what it's like to laugh and be funny. She's hilarious! I had know idea. I also learned that through her poetry, she quickly forgives. If she is angered by something or someone, she turns it into a poem that makes her laugh. She shared a poem called "Health Food Diner" that was soooo funny. It was inspired by a rude waitress at a health food diner who judged her for being a smoker! She hasn't smoked in over 20 years and even encouraged those who do to stop that night. I wonder if anyone made the decision to stop smoking that night. I would have. Lol Anyway, She said that she was going to have that poem and others put on Belmont's website. You better believe I'll be checking the website.

She recited a few of her favorite poems by other poets as well. Her love for poetry was so evident in that moment. With each poem, she took a deep breath as if she were channeling the character in the poem. She brought those poems to life! Poetry is more than just lines that rhyme to her. It's her passion! I was inspired by that. It even made me ask myself.. What am I THAT passionate about?? I don't think I know.

Another thing that I recognized was how tall she was. I remembered two guys assisted her to her seat on stage. Those guys were tall yet Maya was almost as tall as them. When she sat, I noticed that her legs were long like mine. I was still shocked to hear her say that she is 6'0". WE'RE THE SAME HEIGHT! In my head, she's my grandmother. Now, in fun, I'll share that I get my height from my grandmother Maya Angelou! Lol

"You're alright. Not only are you alright, you're just right."

I smiled when she said that. lol... That's my grandmama yall! She encouraged us to take risks and to say yes to every good opportunity that is presented to us. I tell you, it was a night to remember. : ) She called us “her children” which of course you know made me feel even closer to her. Lol I honestly felt like I was sitting in between her thighs getting my hair done while she poured wisdom into my life. It was that personal for me. I was sooo happy to be there and am glad that at the last minute someone encouraged me to go! It was awesome!

I was a “G” that night and recorded the entire speech after being told that we were not allowed to videotape it. *shrugs* I’m sooo glad I did. I can’t wait to listen to it again! Anywhoo.. I just wanted to share a night that I will cherish for the rest of my life…

Until next time,
♥ Stix